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Santa Maria Pirate Weekend, September 2009 - Columbus, OH
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
Chapter 2nd: The inauguration of the officious Talk Like a Pirate
day festivities aboard the Santa Maria at noon after all the gear had been stowed. With discussion of
a risky crew of gunners (both on and off the ship), various
presentations to on-lookers and a full account of the adventures of Lob
and his new pal the weasel or the ferret or the stoat or whatever the
hell it is.
People were already lining up at the gang plank entrance for ship tours by 11:30 or so, so it was clearly going to be a busy day for the Santa Maria. This is a good thing because this weekend was part of an effort to raise funds for the upkeep of the ship. (In fact, we were later told over 800 people toured the ships, which I believe was a new record.) The Pirates of the Scioto (who ran the pirate part of the event) were running an eBay auction as well, which featured several items donated for the fundraising effort. Plus a bar raffle was scheduled for the evening - but I'll tell you more about that later.
(Photo: Mission)
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
The event began in fine pirate tradition: a lot of noise, generated
by a cannon (actually a mortar) firing. The cannon was provided by
Rieske Family Artillery. The crew consisted of Bloody Marty Rackham
(left), "Captain" Red John Roberts (right) and his wife Bloody
Bess Flint. Turns out they got their names for the event from the infamous pirate name generator.
When I first heard their name, I thought it was "Risky Family Artillery" which I found amusing. I later told Red John this and he replied, "We're that too." You may notice that Bloody Marty has his coat on sort of funny at left. He explained (to the jeers of Red John) that this was so he could draw his sword more quickly and easily in battle.
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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(Photo: You know)
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We'll show those ducks! The anatomy of a Rieske Family cannon firing. Left: Bloody Marty and Red John worm, swab and prepare the cannon for its' black powder load. Left center: Bloody Marty indicating the cannon is hot (note the action-ready jacket). Right center: Marty fires the cannon. Right: the enemy is defeated!
(Photo: Jessica)
(Photo: Mission)
(Photo: Mission)
The Rogue's Action! Gallery - Pirates on the Scioto!
Far Left: Tom - man of action!
Left: Michael Bagley - in action! ripped shirt.
Right: Kate - no further action! required.
(Photo: Jessica Bagley)
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(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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The further adventures of the Rogues Action! Gallery. Now in Action!-oriented Technicolor! Above left: Pirate of the Scioto Dan Needham, in an actionable! gun offensive! (The gun was cut off - it reminded me of those guns the two hillbillies in the Bugs Bunny cartoon had. Not that Ben is a hillbilly; his gun is.) Above center: Shannon and Trish, who arrived after this part of the narrative, but you can ignore that for now. They are in action! dressing mode. Above right: Maureen and Thomas who were invited by the Pirates of Scioto at Paynetown this year in an action!...uh...ah, forget it. Let's just drop the Action! gag. (Nice folks M & T.)
(Photo: Thatchers)
(Photo: Thatchers)
Rogues Not So Action! Gallery: The Final Chapter (for now). Nothing
inspires more bizarre behavior than my Patrick Hand original
Planter's Hat. I
blame Stynky. Almost to a man (and woman) the Thatchers tried it on.
Left: First we have patriarch Silas donning the lid. Then matriarch Lady Constance (right), looking much better than Silas in it.
Below are Andrew (in a photo that should be saved and shown to his next girlfriend) and Andrew with the surgeon's cap. Miles was here, but notably missing, probably because he got his hand stuck in the capstan (below right).
(Photo: Thatchers)
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(Photo: Thatchers)
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(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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(Photo: Mission)
Finally, after much Action! photography for the Rogue's Action! Gallery,
patrons were allowed aboard to begin touring the ship. The ship actually
has people who give the tours - George "Smitty" is one of them -
but the pirates can pitch in as well. Mark has a great store of
information about this ship and the period, which he occasionally
interjects into the tour (left).
The tours begin in the front of the main deck, where food and daily activities are explained. It goes below deck where stores and some of the history of Christopher Columbus is detailed. They came back up and tour the aft of the main deck. This is where I set up my surgical equipment (below left). I never know quite how far I should go with my explanations of 17th C. surgery. It's brutal stuff. Either I went too far or someone wasn't feeling well and my descriptions pushed them over the edge and one girl started feeling faint. Fortunately Connie's cookies cured what the surgeon caused (below right).
(Photo: Surgeons Rule!)
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(Photo: On the Spot Johnny)
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(Photo: Jessica Bagley)
From there, the tourists proceed further into the rear part of the main deck
where cannons, ship sizes and other things related to Columbus'
voyage are discussed. They head up to the quarter deck where the
rest rooms are explained, among other things. Also the captain's cabin.
You'd think ol' Chris would have put the bathrooms somewhere else. After
viewing the captain's cabin, the tourists are released on their own
recognizance.
Sometimes the pirates are on the quarterdeck playing around with their guns and sword fighting, treating the crowds to some extra demonstrations. For example, Kate and Sam can be seen squaring off below left. Several events I've been to include impromptu sword fights, something that the crowd usually seems to enjoy. Bloody Marty and Red John can be seen fighting ashore, below right. Let's just hope they don't knock over the container with the black powder in it.
Right: "Ace Pest Control? We have Georges in our rigging! Send someone!"
(Photo: Thatchers)
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(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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The even further further adventures of the Rogues Inaction! Gallery! With new April fresh scent and extra-cleaning moppets! Below left: "Yo ho! Yo Ho! A pirates life for me." A visitor peering over the ship's side. Below center: sometimes even undead pirates need a boost. Below right: Salty and Callenish Gunner's son Hamish playing on the deck. You're half-nekkid boy!
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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OK, that's quite enough of cuteness and sweet. You'll all become diabetic if I'm not careful and that's just more work for your already overworked ship's surgeon. So to help wash that away, we bring you the lastest and most finalist Rogue's Lack of Action! Gallery - the Misadventures of Lob the Stuffed Monkey! (Everyone: "Yay!") Lob is a former sword-practice target that Michael and Kate delight in placing in horrific situations. This trip, we learned that Lob is not completely stuffed with...whatever it is stuffed monkeys are stuffed with. (Please don't email me and tell me what that is; I sincerely do not want to know.) Since he's not fully stuffed, he can absorb parts of his fluffy body into himself and resulting in all sorts of weird and unfortunate situations (particularly for Lob). First, Lob's body got stuffed into his head. (Kids, do not try this at home. Not without consulting your doctor, anyhow.) This created the... are you ready?...spider monkey look! (Boy was that bad.) Miles took particular delight in tormenting Lob (below center - in the Monkey See No Evil mode.) Kate found a new way to stuff Lob's body parts, allowing me to perform the first monkey head amputation (below right).
(Photo: Thatchers)
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(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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Another stuffed player was on the scene this year, as Alex had brought his stuffed weasel or ferret or something. Since the Thatcher boys so delighted in tormenting Lob, Kate decided to do a little stuffed animal tormenting of her own. With Salty looking on, Kate tied Lob to the ferret in a position that I can't say that I entirely understood. I think it's supposed to be that a) Lob tied up the ferret and now pwns him or b) Lob is riding the ferret. (You can read that in whatever way you like. Ahem.) She then brought him to me for a quick clyster full of medicine. Note the ferret's exasperated expression.
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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(Photo: Mission's Collection)
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