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Santa Maria Pirate Weekend, May 2011 - Columbus, OH

Photo: Mission
The Pink People Surging About. Chapter 2nd. Of Saturday morning, detailing what happensedwhen the Pink People took Columbus; odd goings-on in the park near the ship - which is pretty much par for the course based on past experiences; setting up shop and being joined by several others in presenting; preparing for battle and then actually being in battle.

When I awoke on Saturday, I realized that I had not brought a book to the room with me. Now I'm the first to admit that I have a lot of failings, forgetfulness often being one of them, but I rarely forget to bring a book with me. I even have a back-up book in my truck, just in case I end up somewhere without a book. Yet here I was on the 19th floor, several blocks away from my truck with no book. It's like not having coffee in the morning. Maybe it's worse. So I resorted to the Hyatt's in room publication, a magazine with the lofty name of Destination Hyatt.

Photo: A real photographer
The sort of photo you'd find in something called Destination Hyatt. This was just about what you'd expect - a series of brief picture-laden, white-space-happy articles written with the attention deficit disorder crowd in mind. Still, if it comes down to not having any reading material or a collection of ADD articles, the articles win. I chose to start with an article entitled "A Decade of Invention" by James Bradham. This was one of those articles where they begin with, "Herein, J. Bradham picks the best of the best of the best inventions from a bunch of junk created or re-imagined in first decade of the millennium." (OK, they didn't quite say it like that, but you get the point.) It turns out that writer J.B. thinks Screw Top Wine is on par with the Large Hadron Particle Collider when it comes to first decade 21st century inventions. As he put it (on page 40), "Screw tops used to be reserved for the humblest plonk, wines that no self-respecting oenophile would look at much less drink. But they're on the rise now..." Etc. What I learned from all this was that wine aficionados have a term all their own that would have been written œnophile in an 18th century book. (It may also have been written 'onaphill,' 'œwnafill', 'æœnahfull' or possibly even 'bob.' They always kept their readers on their toes, those 18th century authors did.)

Photo: Mission
"Pink People mass at City Hall! Film at 11!" Safe in the knowledge that screw tops were all the rage amongst the Hyatt cognoscente, I showered and headed out to greet the throngs of pink people that I had seen on the street from my 19th floor window. I don't know what James B. would have thought of them. I'm sure he wrote an article for the New Yorker about how clever it was for women to wear clothing with the phrase "Love Pink" written on it, despite the fact that the words were written in blue script on gray cloth. But I digress! (Get used to it!)

The streets were clogged with Pink People surging about. As you see in the photo at right, there must have been over a thousand of them hanging about in front of City Hall alone. Now I should note that I never saw a Pink People actually running. This is curious because the event all these folks were attending was the 19th Annual Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure. It may have been that I got up to late or something, but I still find that a bit odd. Don't you?

Photo: Mission
I guess you have to start somewhere...
Photo: Mission
...unless you're a natural like Salmonius. I navigated the sea of Pink People and made my way to the ship. You are probably all breathing a sigh of relief. "At last, he get's to the point!" Not so fast! I had to go back to my truck to retrieve my gear for the surgeon's display. Along the way, I encountered yet another odd happening in the park near the ship: people crawling in strange fashion across the path to my truck. We've had all manner of interesting people doing bizarre things at previous Santa Maria events - photography class projects, broken bottle scavenger hunts, Segway tours - and here was yet another one.

"What are you doing, I asked one of the girls clambering around in front of me. "Parkour," she replied matter-of-factly. Parkour is that sport wherein people leap with amazing agility from one building top to another, swinging through open windows, flipping off roof-top air conditioner casings and just generally tempting fate as seen to good effect in the movie Casino Royale. (The 2006 version. The only thing I can recall the people in the 1967 movie flipping was their wigs.)

These folks were under the tutelage of a very fit guy in sweats and a black T-shirt with a backpack. I guess these are the accouterments of the parkour professional. I didn't get his company name or I'd share it here for those of you who are dying to take up a new activity. (Sorry about that. Try the Yellow Pages.)

Photo: Mission Parkour class practicing balance.

Photo: Someone Showing us how it's done right.

Photo: Somewhere Showing us how it's done wrong. (Wait...a seal? Really?).

Photo: Mission
The incapable surgeon. Imagine if I had to tie a silk suture. Mentally digesting this new activity, I made my down to the Santa Maria. At last I was away from all the crazies on land and amongst all the crazies on board. (My peeps.) I was dragging my scarf behind me because I could not seem to get the stupid thing tied. I would like to offer the excuse of my frozen shoulder, but that really is just an excuse in this case. I had tried repeatedly to get it tied so it covered my head properly. After three failed attempts, I decided to give the thing up as a bad job and seek help. Fortunately, Trish took pity on me and tied the scarf so it was comfortable and well situated. (Thanks, Trish!)

I then proceeded to set up my medical display and wait for customers.

Photo: Mission
Master d'Dogge 'splains something.

We were trying a new format on the ship this year - rather than having guided tours, it was a free-for-all allowing people to explore the ship at their own pace. Based on some past experiences at events that worked this way, I was a little concerned that this might prove to be overwhelming and possibly even boring for the customers (see, I only have 5 minutes of shtick myself).

Photo: Mission
Kate Bagley and Deb Collins reveal period writing skills.

Fortunately, this was not the case and it actually worked quite well. It also meant that there were more pirates on board presenting so that the people wandering about would have something to see. See, there have been times in the past where I was the only pirate aboard the ship, doing my duty and explaining the art of 17th/18th century surgery in five minutes while all the rest of the pirate re-enactors were taking their leisure in the park - smoking, laughing, dancing and cracking their bullwhips in the shade while your surgeon worked. (Not that I am bitter.)

Below you can see some of the presentations that were happening during the day on the Santa Maria.

There were actually several others including Mark Gist's weapons display and Jennie Gist's cooking display, but I failed to get good photos of this. (Bad surgeon!)

Photo: Mission Michael Bagley explaining a gun from the fancy display rack.

Photo: Mission M.A. d'Dogge and Dan detail the plan to take the Broad Street Bridge.

Photo: Mission Diosa showing how to play a game to some girls. I'm sure she won (because I'm sure she cheats.)

Photo: Mission
Janet Galla on the quarter-deck. In addition to presentations, many of the pirates were just loitering about the ship, rather like I'd expect they would have been if they docked and they had gotten tired of hanging around in town imbibing, eating really bad food or attempting to contract the pox. The tourists loved this and many photos were taken of the pirates looking piratey as well as posing with them.

I have often wondered how many people have a photo of your ship's surgeon in their vacation album or in their Facebook album or such like. I used to hate having my photo taken for no particular reason I can justify, but you sort of have to leave all that behind when you decide to become a re-enactor.

Overall, I think having the pirates shipboard, posing and explaining how life might have been during the Golden Age of Piracy made for a very nice setting for the visitors to the ship. It had to be a vast improvement over no one being around the ship other than the tour guides and little old me explaining surgery as the lone pirate representative on the ship. (Not that I am bitter. Really.)

Photo: Mission John Rieske posing for a photo.

Photo: Mission What pirates really did most of the time.

Photo: Mission George: "More food?"

Photo: Mission
Thomas Alleman leading his charges around.
Lilli is behind him - you'll have to trust me. While I was standing around waiting for people at my display, Lilli appeared. She was leading a little girl around by the hand. This little girl was apparently her charge. "She's just a little kid, so I have to watch her," she explained to me. It's kind of funny how anyone younger becomes a little kid, especially to little girls. While in the back of the ship, they encountered Thomas Alleman. He apparently decided he should take charge of the pair. (I could almost hear him say "They're just little kids, so I have to watch them.") He showed them around the rear of the main deck, explaining the tiller, the cannon and so forth.

Lilli continued to be fascinated with your ship's surgeon, which is something I cannot explain. I have never really wanted children, have never considered myself to be a kid person and never gone out of my way to appeal to them. Yet they seem to like me - regular readers will recall Grace Thatcher's fascination with your surgeon. (Perhaps this is because, mentally, I am on the same level as them.) Lilli enlisted me to help her find her stuffed kitten (also reminiscent of Grace and her Baby Lion), which was a matter of great consternation and concern until we actually found it. (Then she posed with it and forgot about it again.) Lilli patiently explained to me that the kitten was missing its parents, who were at home and that, in an extraordinary revelation, the kitten's father was a dog. See? It's just like I said, I am basically on the same mental level as that. I haven't yet told how someone's father was actually a dog in these Journals (well, not that I can recall at this moment anyhow), but it's entirely possible that I might.

Photo: Mission Thomas going for 'stylish'.

Photo: Mission Lilli and her mom, Blue Jess.

Photo: Mission Lilli mugging with her kitten

Photo: Mission
Thomas Threatens the Kitten
(Only a little...) Eventually, like the kitten, Lilli lost interest in me and Thomas. Rather than hang around with us, she wandered off to go engage in swordplay. (You think I'm kidding, don't you?) This left the kitten in Thomas' evil paws. He immediately threatened the helpless creature with bodily harm as you can see at right. Such brutish behavior cannot go unpunished, so I went to find the arbiter of all things stuffed: Lob.

By the time I found Lob, Thomas had also lost interest and wandered off. This left the kitten in my clutches. Somehow I got it into my head that Lob would want to cause harm to the kitten - perhaps because everyone else wants to cause harm to Lob. (For those who don't usually read these Journals, you should. But to briefly explain Lob: he is the pirate monkey version of Kenny.) So I tied his arm around the kitten's neck. While very dramatic-looking, it needed to be more public. So I stuck Lob's shoulder under a rope on the main mast. Trish took a photo of this that makes it look like Lob has been hung from the rope (below left), causing Michael Bagley to comment that " this may have to go down as one of Lob's weirdest 'deaths' to date." However, I was not attempting to once again kill Lob. Rather, I was trying to put him in a place where all would see he was strangling the kitten, as you can see in the second photo.. (Unfortunately, I don't think most people saw him at all when he was there. Fortunately, we have these photos.)

Photo: Trish One view of Lob on the main mast...

Photo: Mission ...and another, more revealing view.

Photo: Mission Thomas attempts to... what? Protect Lob?

Photo: Mission Thomas and Lob in the Hammock. (Thomas looks devious- Lob's look is the same as ever.

Eventually, Thomas returned and found Lob on the mast. At least I'm guessing he did, because rather than going the traditional route of trying to bodily kill Lob, he decided instead to try and embarrass the monkey to death by dressing him as a Russian peasant woman and then sleeping with him. Had I been trying to hang Lob (which I was not), it would have been more humane than Thomas' method.

We now return our narrative to Lilli who was sword-fighting as you can see here. (I told you I wasn't kidding.) She started out challenging Shannon to a duel. They sort of play-fought for a bit until Lilli spotted Michael Bagley hanging
Photo: Mission
Lilli takes all comers, starting with Shannon.
Photo: Mission
Lilli looking away during the sword-fight with
Shannon (Probably not the best strategy.) about with a sword and decided the duel should be a tri-el. This was appropriate since Lilli proved to me that that she was nothing if not a trial. (C'mon, you must have seen that one coming.) So Michael and Shannon brandished their swords and decided it only made sense to let Lilli set the rules of the engagement. (When it comes to stuff like this, a six-year old is definitely the best source of knowledge.) So the three of them sparred for a bit on the main deck and it was exactly like the three way sword fight in the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie would have been had it been scripted by a six year old who kept changing her mind about how the rules and results of the fight should go.

Photo: Mission Lilli explaining the rules

Photo: Mission A pause while Lilli makes new rules

Photo: Mission Michael and Shannon fight, Lilli adds rules

Photo: Mission
Michael explains gun safety to all and sundry. After the excitement generated by all that random rule-making and waiting for things to actually happen, everyone's blood was at a fever pitch, so we all headed down to the DMV to renew our licenses. I am kidding, of course. We were excited by the bits of fighting sprinkled into the rule-making and thought it would be fun to stage the battle. Despite the fact that I had misfired Mark Gist's hand cannon last time, he still asked me to serve as gunner on the Green Black Sheep. So I agreed to do that.

The people who would be playing the role of the pirates for the Saturday battle were to go out in the small boats. So we all massed on the dock where 1) Michael instructed us in the role of gun safety and 2) we posed for several tourist photos. Since I believe people making me to pose in a picture with them should be required to return the favor, I got a pretty neat reciprocal photo as you see below right. Michael says it's a good example of pirates in "regular" clothing. (Many in a pirate crew want to be dressed like a Captain. Not the Mercury/Santa Maria crew! We're a beacon of regular sea-folk in a sea of Captains. Or something.

Photo: Mission The Very Definition of Scurvy Dogs: George, Captain J, Thomas, Dan and Thomas Alleman standing on the dock of the bay.

Photo: Mission The Battle Warriors Pre-posing. Back (left): Dan Needham, Michael Bagley, M.A. d'Dogge, Mission, Mark Gist, Dan and Deb, Captain J, Shannon and Thomas. Front (left): Jay Babcock, Ed Rembert and George as the Lazy Beaver.

From there the two boat crews headed down to our respective vessels.
Photo: Diosa
The HMS Scow and Green Black Sheep attack! Mark's other boat, Firefly, wasn't around this weekend because it had a date with a charming little canoe that weekend, so we had to enlist the HMS Scow as the second attacking ship. The plan was for us to go hide under the Broad Street Bridge for a bit and then come back, guns a-blazing and insults a-flying. I believe I fired the first volley. I don't know what Mark had done differently packing the blackpowder charges this time, but it sounded as if the bridge was coming down on us. It continued to roar like a lion everytime I fired; Linda Ketcham of the Santa Maria even commented that the walls of the office shook when when fired. The hand-cannon was also kicking up a lot of sparks and I later found that I had managed to burn another hole in my shirt along with one in my blue kerchief for good measure.

Battle begun, we rowed over and everyone enjoyed firing their weapons for a while; we fired at the Santa Maria, they fired at us, the Rieske Cannon fired and it was a noisy good time.

Photo: Diosa The stalwart, but short, pike crew

Photo: Mission The Green Black Sheep assaults!

Photo: Mission Our view of the pike crew (those we could see)

Photo: Diosa
"Wait, I missed the rope. Try again! Ignore those people firing guns at us!" We eventually lost interest in firing shots that never seemed to hit anyone and decided it was time to board the Santa Maria. So we paddled over and...got stuck. I couldn't grab the rope on the side of the ship, so the Sheep wound up getting tangled in a cable. Mark Gist had to row us out and I attempted to grab the rope again. Missed it again, then caught it. If this were a real battle we'd have been like pirates in a barrel for the defenders on the ship. Never put me in charge of anything requiring fine motor skills (Ironic isn't it, what with me being the surgeon and all.)

Eventually we got it all sorted so that Shannon and M.A. d'Dogge could climb up the conveniently placed rope ladder and attack the now bored-with-waiting defenders on the Santa Maria. I believe our guys were both killed. It was left to the crew of the HMS Scow to follow up and finish the job properly. I'd show you photos of that, but not very many people were taking pictures of this battle and, being in the now exiting (stage left) Green Black Sheep, I couldn't very well take them, could I? So you'll just have to imagine that part. I believe the other group also took the mayor's daughter hostage, so be sure to imagine that part, too.

Photo: Mission Shannon & Mark

Photo: Mission M.A. & Shannon climbing

Photo: Clint The view from the top.

Photo: Diosa Shannon & M.A. d'Dogge attack! (And lose!)

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