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Santa Maria Pirate Weekend, May 2012 - Columbus, OH
Photo: Michael Colosimo
Epilogue - In the park, talking with Jim Shipley right before I left.
"Did I pass the test?"
"What test?"
"There's always a test."
"There's no test."
And there isn't really, at least not amongst most of the pirate reenactors I've known.
I remember riding my bike down the long, winding road into Fort Zachary Taylor in Key West for the 2007 Pirates in Paradise event. As I pulled into the parking lot in front of the fort office, I recall trying to be brave as I finally met my first pirate reenactors in the flesh:
Photo: Lily Alexander
Momma and Poppa Ratsey, PiP 2008
Fayma and Tony Callahan, whom I would eventually come to know fondly as Mama and Poppa Ratsey, and their crew of the Sacred Heart. Although I was dressed in street clothes, they were genuinely effusive in their welcomes when I told them who I was. Then I met William Red Wake, who took me back to the Australian pines in the park where our campsite would be and laid out his grand vision for me - a guy he'd never met except as the name 'Mission' on a forum.
William's vision would blossom in two years, surpassing even what he'd dreamed of it being. He'd been part of a group that had planned this period encampment in the previous two years and was making the dream into a reality. But for me, I best remember him best as a friendly hand
Photo: Silkie McDonough
William Red Wake, PiP 2007
stretched out - a welcome to the typically friendly world of pirate reenacting.
Oh, sure, you can get all bogged down in the petty, the mundane, the almost impossible-to-define period correctness or the inevitable 'here today, gone tomorrow' internicine squabbles. Every group has those things. But beneath that, at its core - the people are friendly and welcoming. People like Mama, Poppa and William who reach out to bring you into the fold, have a mugga' and join them in the piratey fun.
I hope I'm as good an emissary are those three were. I hope I'm not the sort of social criminal who judges people by a set of rules generated from my own petty insecurities. There really is no test. This is why I do my best to remember that under the handmade clothes and reproduction weapons, we are all really just playing pirate like we did when we were 5 or 6 years old. "Arrrrrr!"
As always, I must take a moment to thank the photographers who took the time to capture moments, post them where they could be seen and borrowed and gave me permission to use them.
Sos Boss
 Photo: Sos Boss
|
DB Couper
 Photo: Mission |
Dolphin Dani
 Photo: DB Couper |
Michael Colosimo
 Photo: Michael C. |
Mission
 Photo: Mission |
Trish Gallatin
 Photo: DB Couper
|
Mark Gist
 Photo: DB Couper |
Jim Brown
 Photo: Mission |
Brooklyn Brokaw
 Photo: Brooklyn Brokaw |
Jim Shipley
 Photo: DB Couper |
Whenever I finish putting a Journal together, I wind up with a bunch of photographs that I really liked, but which didn't fit the main chapters for one reason or another. (Let's face it - the chapters are plenty long already.) Still, I can't quite give them up. Putting them in the Journal is like capturing them so I don't forget them.
Dolphin Dani Deferens is the Michigan Pirate's photographer and the photos you find below will give you an idea why this is so. She even knows what an F-Stop is. So we'll lead off the Epilogue photo collection with them.
 Photo: Dolphin Dani Michael Bagley |
 Photo: Dolphin Dani Dan Leonard |
 Photo: Dolphin Dani Anna Maria |
 Photo: Dolphin Dani Carl Coco |
The next series of photos I liked are all of women on the ship. (OK, that is a pretty lame reason to pretend there is a theme in a series of photos, but it's all I could come up with on short notice.)
 Photo: Jim Shipley Jennie Gist in shadow |
 Photo: Jim Shipley Chelsea on the Quarter deck with the pirate flag |
 Photo: Mission Sarah on the Quarter deck |
In addition to neat people photos, there were several neat still life photos shot this weekend. Here are a few of the ship-related shots.
 Photo: DB Couper The four boats gather to discuss their owners. |
 Photo: Michael Colosimo The crow's nest looking up... |
 Photo: Michael Colosimo ...and looking down. |
Then there are the stairway motif photos - which may have happened because there are stairways everywhere you look on the Santa Maria.
 Photo: Mission Someone's lost his hook and... |
 Photo: Mission ...shoe! There's a limping, armless pirate! |
 Photo: Michael Colosimo Stairway to heaving. |
OK, enough of the serious photos, it's time to be stupid. (As if I needed an excuse.) Since we were just talking about people, let's continue along those lines for a bit.
Photo: Mission
Diosa & monkey's fists
Photo: DB Couper
See kid, that's finger-picking good!
We begin with Diosa who has large balls. You can see her swinging her balls around at left. Actually, they're complex knots called monkey's fists. I knew a guy who used to spend large parts of his day tying monkey's fists at work. He didn't last there very long. I'm told he now raises and sells medical marijuana. (Seriously.)
Diosa also foolishly allowed herself to fall into the clutches of M.A. d'Dogge and Billie as we see at right. It's bad enough to put yourself into their hands, it's even worse to let them trap you in their stocks. This may have been why Diosa felt compelled to smash that cupcake into M. A. d'Dogge's beard on Saturday.
Next we stop in with Michael Bagley and the emergency backup Michael - Michael Colosimo. (You should always have an emergency backup Michael on your ship in case your primary Michael is unable to complete his term for some unforeseen reason.)
Photo: Michael Colosimo
Michael as the Canadian Tom Sawyer
Michael and Michael got together on Friday evening to act out the dramatic song Michael Row Your Boat Ashore, which I think is a spiritual. Actually, I have no idea how it goes or what the lyrics are, these images just made me think of it. (No? Just one calorie, not funny enough? OK, forget it.)
Michael Bagley once again reminded me of Huck Finn in these shots. I think this is the third or fourth time a photo of MB has reminded me of Huck which is really strange when you stop to think about it. I mean, Michael is Canadian; he can even speak French! Huck is the prototypical American hayseed. Where's the connection? I guess he just looks the part and we have to go with it.
Not to get off topic (if we were ever ON topic), but notice who is doing the rowing in these pictures? I told you that it was important to have an emergency backup Michael!
Photo: Michael Colosimo's camera
Michael Colosimo rowing the boat
Later in the day, I found Michael (Bagley - primary Michael) on the Quarter deck, explaining the bitter end to the kiddos. (Below left.) We have talked about the bitter end in these Journals since the very first one, but for those of you who haven't read all the previous Santa Maria editions - you need to go do that before continuing to read this.
No? Then by way of explanation, the bitter end is a frayed, soft piece of rope that was used in place of toilet paper while at sea. Michael spent some of the afternoon explaining this. His schtick was to have the kids rub it on their faces and then explain what it was used for. Nice. (He should really learn the surgeon's patter. He'd be good at it.)
After all that work of explaining the bitter end on the hot Quarter deck and watching the backup Michael row, I found Michael comfortably nestled in one of the three or four hammocks he made. And why shouldn't he be? He's our main Michael. Without his hard work planning and organizing, this weekend wouldn't have happened at all. He deserves a nice rest.
 Photo: Jim Shipley "Here, rub this on your face!" (This kid is now in therapy.) |
 Photo: DB Couper Michael zonked in one of his hammocks |
From there, we move on to Dennis and Dan - Dancing! Yes, the dynamic duo broke into a daring Double Bugg with their Derringers on deck! (See below left.) Why? I'm not sure. I think they may be posing as if they were coming dramatically at the camera, but it sure looks like the E Street Shuffle to me. Dennis got a lot of mileage out of pointing his gun at things including Billie and the camera. (Kids, you should never point a gun at anyone, even if it's not loaded because something terrible could happen: you could grow up to be like Dennis.)
 Photo: Dolphin Dani What is this? Pirates of Penzance? |
 Photo: Dolphin Dani Think Billie is going to pull a fast one on Dennis? |
 Photo: Dolphin Dani We've come for your daughter! |
Photo: Dolphin Dani
Bad Dennis! No soup for you!
Speaking of Dennis doing dangerous things and our duty to warn kids not to do unsafe things they see pirates doing, no matter how blatantly obvious this is, we've been asked by the Ad Council to revisit that whole "knife in the mouths of the boarders" thing from Chapter 4. It's sort of a public service announcement. (It was either do this or 60 days without the option. I'd like to be free for the Put-in-Bay Pirate Fest which comes up in a few weeks. So....)
You will all recall that our Journal rather rashly showed photos of various people boarding the Santa Maria during the Saturday battle with knives in their mouths. (For those who have forgotten, we have provided you with an image of one of the offenders at left. Doesn't he look wicked cool? Er... harumph... I mean, 'What an irresponsible and unfortunate thing to do! Think of the children!' If you could see me right now you would find me typing with one hand and wagging my finger with the other. (This may also explain all those typos I miss.))
As part of our plea bar... public service efforts, we here at the Surgeon's Journal would like to bring you the following spokesman for safe pirating: Master Twigg. He is sponsored by this Journal and the Ad Council, who are the biggest bunch of nosy nanny busybodies you've ever seen.
"Er, right. Is this on? Should I go ahead? Right. OK, this thing about pirating wit' a knife in your mouth... well, it's plain stupid. I mean lookit' what happened to me as you see here. It cuts bloody hell out of your mouth! You want you should look like the
Photo: The Mouse Factory
Joker? No that wouldn't be cool, you Comicon geek! Siddown and lissen! And I ain't goin' ta' give ya' me ruddy autograph on that photo you have. I know ye'll just go and sell it on the eBay. I weren't born yesterday, ya' clot! Now what was I on about?
Don't ever climb rope ladders with a knife in your mouth. What if your jaws got tired and it falls? Then you'll be without knife in a fight! NO! What I was meanin' to say there was it might fall an' hit one of your mates on the way down and that could hurt them. Besides which... you'd be without a knife in a fight! If a man don't have 'is knife to trust to in a fight, well what's he gonna' rely on? His mates? Hell no! They got speared when your ruddy knife fell and ain't in condition to help a muddlehead like you! No, put your knife in your sheath like any halfwit would and carry it that way. T' other way is for movies and undead pirates who don't care damn all if they get cut because they can't feel it anyhow.
Was that good? Will the bleeding Ad Council get off me back? Kin I go? I gotta' get back to me ship. There's a rollickin' good game of mumblety peg started in 'arf an hour."
Much ado occurred about hats this weekend. Well, to look at the photos sitting in the Epilogue file folder, much ado occurred about them. We here at the Surgeon's Journal have been fascinated with hats ever since we acquired our Patrick Hand Original™ planter's hat. (Why am I talking in the third person? Sorry.) The connection was really made once Stynky's Strange Hat Swap was initiated at PiP in 2008 and there's just no turning back.
Photo: Sos Boss
Bryan Brubaker, Sos Carla, Dan Needham, Sos Becci and the danger signs
We begin with a joke that someone created and posted on Facebook. Many people seemed to find this joke funny, so I am reprinting it here so that you can all be amused. Funny, huh? Yeah, I didn't really get it either.
The original photo was of these four standing in front of a sign that said Danger Hardhat Area or something like that and Michael Colosimo went in and modified it and re-posted it on Facebook like I mentioned. Lots of people LOLed at it. There was quite the running commentary going on that photo. There was even talk about making this into a postcard to sell at the ship. See, funny!
Nope. Still don't get it. I guess the only funny jokes are the ones I write. (What do you mean, "What jokes?")
By way of example, there is the on-going gag about other people wearing the Patrick Hand Original™ planter's hat. (OK, stop with the "What jokes?" line. It's stale.) A couple of people tried it out at this event, including one repeat customer. Possibly two, but I'm not sure. (All right, seriously. Just quit it. I'll tell mom.) Curiously, several of these photos seem to have been taken in the hold. What was the Patrick Hand Original™ planter's hat doing in the hold? Maybe it's for the best that I don't know.
 Photo: DB Couper Blue Jess. Possible repeat customer. |
 Photo: Mission George. Definite repeat customer. |
 Photo: DB Couper Anna Maria. New customer! Cha-ching! |
But that's not all! In addition to the Patrick Hand Original™ planter's hat jokes (Shh! I have a whole bag of Shh! with your name on it.), you get more, additional jokes at no charge! For example, you get another iconic hat discussion revolving around M.A. d'Dogge's magic helmet. ♫ Yes, magic hewmet... and I will give you a sammm-pwwwe! ♫ Then there's the multiple hats joke, that actually dates back to the 17th or 18th century, as you see below right. Yes, folks, I even tell period correct jokes! (Stop it...)
 Photo: Mark Gist Magic helmet? |
 Photo: Mission Chelsea drowns in it! |
 Photo: Trish Michael Many Hats |
 Photo: Dead Dutch guys Thanks to John Brent Macek |
Last we have a couple that are just...weird. I'm not even sure I can do them justice with my jokes. (Enough! Mommmmm! The readers are teasing meeeee!)
 Photo: Mission Rigggght. Silas in his red hat. |
 Photo: Mission Whoa, Stephen! |
 Photo: Sos Boss Nope, I STILL don't get it. Is is something about their expressions? |
Now we have a real treat for you - you are all present for the birth of a new feature that I'm sure will go on to be a regular here so long as people keep behaving oddly at events. (Which means it should go on ad infinitum, ad nauseum.) I call it "Fun With Tools." Some of these are the surgeon's tools and some of them are Shannon's hook. Technically, the surgeon would be the one to fit Shannon with his hook, so I'm going to be broad-minded and say we're dealing with the surgeon's tools in this section.
We begin with the Shannon and Hook show.
 Photo: Mission The hook can be used as a toothpick |
 Photo: Sos Boss It may also be the missing link we need to prove that pirates DID wear earrings! |
Next, we give you the truly surgeon's tools bit. Early on Saturday, it was slow and Chelsea and Thomas Alleman started playing around with the tools, trying to guess what they might be used for. Then it got silly, which is when I started taking photos. Below left we have Chelsea actually sticking scissors in her eye! OK, they're apothecary scissors and she's using the the handle ring as a monocle. Below center, Thomas uses the single retractor to pierce his nose, and then immediately goes for the linen bandages after successfully completing that operation. (Kids, never try to pierce a body part unless you're really, really drunk.)
 Photo: Mission "That's LADY Chelsea, thenk yuh." |
 Photo: Mission Thomas using the retractor all wrong |
 Photo: Mission Why you don't pierce your own nose. |
So that's our new feature! Pretty neato keen, isn't it? In fact I think at the next event I'll... wait, I'm getting a call. "Hello. Yes. Yes. What! Bring Master Twigg back for another one! You people at the Ad Council are a bunch of nosy old bats! Lighten up! Sheesh!"
Photo: Sos Boss
Sorry guys, not even close!
Photo: Sos Boss
G'nite every body!
So that's pretty much it for the Columbus Spring 2012 Surgeon's Journal. Even I was surprised how much fun it was. Several folks had expressed concern about how we were going to deal with so many reenactors, but the public come out in such numbers to check us out that we needed all the help we could get. It was certainly the best Santa Maria event I've attended to date.
I leave you with a couple of Parthian shots. At left we have Jim Brown, Jim Shipley and Sos Carl wishing they looked half as good as that poster. At right we have Shannon... um... well, he's... I'm not certain... (Does it look like those people are laughing?)