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Santa Maria Pirate Weekend, May 2012 - Columbus, OH
Photo: Mission
Lob, Flapjack and Skellie (Hey, they
have cute names, so can he!)
Chapter 8th: The monkey chapter. That's right, the monkey chapter. Featuring the adventures of Lob, whom we all know and either love or despise and a new monkey character: Flapjack of the Sos Boss crew. First delving into Flapjack and his family; His adventures on the Santa Maria; His backstory; Visiting the Surgeon's Table and meeting Lob. Then the sordid story of Lob, Donning a veil for reasons that can't possibly be told; Hanging around the necks of people and capstans, and Being operated on with various surgical instruments. In other words, more pain and suffering of Lob for your enjoyment.
The last time I did an entire chapter on Lob, there was no hue and cry for several more chapters like it in the future. Reader's didn't write in demanding that this should be a regular feature in these Journals and it didn't get all kinds of word-of-mouth leading to your author being courted by several large publishing companies asking...begging... him to write something...anything for them. So we clearly need to do that again. (I expect better results this time. I am nothing if not Quixotic.)
We begin with Flapjack. He is owned by Carla of Sos Boss. At least I think he is. He may be owned by the corporation, being a subject of Sos Boss, Inc. It's difficult to say. You'll have to figure this one out for yourself, because it's beyond my ken.
 Photo: Sos Boss Flapjack and his mom Carla. I think she's his mom. |
 Photo: Sos Boss Flapjack and his "dad" David. |
 Photo: DB Couper FJ and his crazy uncle. |
Photo: Sos Boss
Flapjack on the account
Photo: Sos Boss
Flapjack takes the ship
This was Flapjack's first reenactment although he had had several adventures on Saturday before I formally met him. So I thought we'd review them and bring you all up to speed.
***Warning to all veteran Surgeon's Journal readers: Flapjack is nothing at all like Lob, which I'll explain soon. These adventures are more along the lines of Curious George Visits the Happy Pirates. Be still my dogs of war. I understand your pain.***
Flapjack started off his adventures in the park by putting on a period incorrect leather tricorn and grabbing a pistol that weighed several times more than he did (left). Then he took on the ship - King Kong style! "RRRRRR! Me forced perspective ape!" (Right.)
Photo: Absconded
What? Who did you think I meant?
Making his way aboard, he tackled the ropes. Yes, Flapjack was on the ropes once he went to sea. (See?) He must have done something bad because the next thing you know he was stuck in the gibbet. He stayed there until M.A. d'Dogge chased him away with much vapouring and many imprecations.
Disconsolate, Flapjack stumbled along the boardwalk where he tripped over a crack and fell into a treasure chest of cheap, plastic Chinese-made booty. What a day! The Man with the Yellow Hat advised Flapjack not to selfishly keep the chest of cheap, plastic Chinese-made booty, but to be generous with his new-found largesse. So Flapjack gave the chest of trashy treasures to the deserving poor.
He then wandered off to tie one on starting with a nice cold mug of beer, safely ensconced in the bowels of this ship, out of sight of his prepubescent readers.
 Photo: Sos Boss Flapjack on the ropes. |
 Photo: Sos Boss Flapjack in the gibbet |
 Photo: Sos Boss Flapjack finds treasure! |
 Photo: DB Couper ♫ "What'll ya have?" ♫ |
Now I actually met Flapjack while talking with Carla who said she wanted to get some photos of the innocent monkey hanging out on the surgeon's table, not being sure of what the tools were used for and then being afraid of them. See, Carla has this whole backstory worked out for Flapjack. Why not? Half the reenactors have elaborate, some even bordering on silly, backgrounds worked out for their characters. Why shouldn't a pudgy stuffed monkey do as much?
Flapjack is new to piracy and he's timid and afraid of new things.
Photo: People who inhabit the dark corners of psychology
Plus, when he was very young, some guy in Wisconsin kidnapped him and then convinced him that his mother was a hideous wire mesh thing with a square wooden head, buck teeth and a bottle nipple. (He's had insecurity and attachment issues ever since, which is why he's timid.) Ha ha! Just kidding! Who would ever do that?
No, the truth is even worse. Flapjack was actually used in an attempt to bribe Carla along with a bottle of wine. (Seriously. Ask her.)
They have another stuffed animal they bring as a mascot to Steampunk events. I think it is a hippopotamus. Possibly a goat. Or a stoat. I better go home and look it up.
Where was I? Oh, yes! Below are some photos of Flapjack hanging out at the surgeon's table. According to the script, he was at first curious and possibly even gregarious upon seeing all this interesting equipment. When he realized what it was for, he became frightened and concerned and covered his eyes in horror! (With a bit of assistance from the peanut gallery.) Then he met Lob, who no doubt told him things that made his toenails curl up and caused him to become even more insecure and timid.
 Photo: Mission's camera Flapjack and the surgeon. |
 Photo: Sos Boss Flapjack is scared! (With help.) |
 Photo: Mission's camera Flapjack being scared 2 |
 Photo: Sos Boss Lob telling Flapjack lies. |
Photo: Jim Shipley
Photo: Mission
This brings us to Lob, who may actually have been a hideous wire mesh thing with a square wooden head, buck teeth and a bottle nipple at one time in his life. For now, however, he was a bride. Or something.
Lob was brought to me by Grace Thatcher. For some reason she thought I'd want him. When she gave me him, he was wearing a bit of taffeta that made him look like a bride. Yes, it was the Bride of Lob! Aieeeeee! (How many of you have any clue what I am talking about there? Yeah, that's what I thought. Never mind.) So Lob was now a denizen of the surgeon's table, thanks to Grace. Huzzah.
Photo: Dolphin Dani
Mission pondering the eternal philosophical question: "Why is Lob?"
Next it was time to take silly pictures of people with Lob. Usually we come up with pretty unsavory things to do with Lob (as about half of the previous Surgeon's Journals will attest), but this time it was pretty tame.
For the most part, Lob served as the human cravat. There was one photo of Lob sitting on Chelsea's head for variety's sake. You can see that one below right.
How did Lob get on her head? How was he able to stay there? It was all very mysterious and amazing, but not very unsavory to Lob unless he happened to be allergic to red dye number 40. (The only reason I mention this here is because Chelsea does happen to be allergic to red dye number 40. When I jokingly asked her what happened when she dyed her hair that color, she very seriously told me that her face swelled up for days. That is dedication to your craft right there.)
 Photo: Mission Grace as the first Lob cravat wearer. |
 Photo: Mission's CameraMission & Lob cravat |
 Photo: Mission Thomas & Lob cravat |
 Photo: Mission Lob atop Chelsea |
Photo: Jim Shipley
Photo: Mission
And so, having exhausted our idea of what to do with Lob, we let him go about his business which seemed to involve hanging around the capstan. (I would like to state for the record, that this bit of Lob abuse was absolutely lame. I would say that I was embarrassed to have actually been a part of it, except that implies there are Lob photography standards. As we all know, Lob has no standards whatsoever, so we can't even mention them in the same paragraph with him. Oops.)
Things were looking pretty desperate on the amusing Lob torture photos front until Ryan appeared, talking about giant flies. When he saw Lob it was like twin hearts reunited. He took Lob up, swept away any bits of taffeta and proceeded to use the various surgical instruments to inflict pain on the monkey. Good old Ryan, saving the day once again.
 Photo: Mission Who says kids don't learn by example? |
 Photo: Mission Ryan giving Lob a Headendectamy with the surgeon's Small Bone Saw |
 Photo: Mission "Is that a mortar in your stomach, or are you just happy to see me?" |
After that, Lob somehow wound up with a blue ribbon round his neck. (How? Who knows? Somehow!)
Photo: Mission
Dan trying to explain Lob
Photo: Mission
Lob drowns his sorrows. Or maybe just drowns. Unfortunately, I was away from the table at the time that this happened. Poor Dan Needham, who had stepped in to explain things in my absence, was then tasked with revealing why there was a gangly monkey with a blue ribbon tied 'round his neck on the surgeon's table.
For his part, Lob had had enough of this weekend and decided to get drunk. Isn't it interesting that this was the very same reaction that Flapjack had had at the end of his time among the pirates? It's just like they say... monkey see, monkey do. (What? Surely you saw that one coming!)