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Fort Taylor Pyrate Invasion Nov/Dec 2012 - Key West, FL
Chapter 7th: Of the Saturday battle. The surgeon's view of things from good ship Sarah of Austin 
Photo: Mission
Who gave Mission a gun? Take that away!
'Danger!' Charters; Why young boys should always be locked in shackles; What we learned from Janet; Sailing about and firing guns as the Sarah approached the battle; How battling from sea is preferable to battling on land; The details of the battle, and... you know, there's really not much else to say here about it - It's a battle. The pirates and
the British fire cannons back and forth and make a ruckus. Folks with small arms fire and 
Photo: Mission
The Danger! Charters Sarah in Port
then they advance. One side wins and the other loses. Then the pirates on the ship chill and drink beer while everyone on land hauls their gear and weapons back into the fort.
One o'clock rolled around and we all trooped out to the boat, proper. The staff explained the rules of the ship, noting that we should all sit down as the boat was pulling away from the dock and we should watch our heads as the boom had to be hauled around every time the ship turned and it was at a good level for whacking you in the head.
There were two young boys, about 8 - 13 years old and, in the tradition of young boys everywhere, they could not abide the 'sit-down' rule. The young gentlemen fidgeted in their seats for about three seconds and proceeded to run around like wild men. You have to place some of the blame for this on the pirates -
Photo: Mission
One of the Boys Stops to Re-Juice During a Sword Fight
Devlin in particular - who were mock sword fighting with the boys on the dock. Young boys plus pirate sword fighting is more potent than an energy drink. (And they had those as well, as you can see in the photo at right.)
We got out to sea, which was beautiful. It was a model day for sailing; the sky was blue with brilliant white clouds, the sea was fairly calm, there was a nice fresh wind and the sun was shining.
Reaching Tank Island (across from Mallory Square) was apparently the cue for the crew, in the form of Janet, to go around and ask everyone where they were from. Her pat response to whatever you said (Phoenix, Baltimore, Detroit, Fallujah, Hell) was, and I quote, "CooL." (It had a slight up tilt on the 'L' - not quite enough to rate an exclamation point, but enough to know that wherever you were from, well, it was a fine thing in Janet's opinion.)
Photo: Mission
"I'm your brother. I'm from Key West!" Janet: "CooL."
This became something of a catch-phrase for Stynky and I, who (in spirit at least) have more in common with 8-13 year old boys than it might seem.
Stynky: "I'll let you fire my gun when we get near the fort."
Me: "CooL. (Slight up tilt) I've never fired a black powder hand weapon before."
Stynky: "CooL. (Slight up tilt)"
Random tourist: "I think I'll go use the rest room before the battle."
Stynky and I, in unison: "CooL. (Slight up tilt)" &c.
If Janet noticed what we were doing, she was too polite to say anything. This is what passes for entertainment for Stynky and me, from which you'll gather that the two boys actually had a better developed sense of humor than we did.
Photo: Mission
Not Everyone Stuck with Sodas...
Janet was also offering drinks around, of which the boat had a good variety and store. Most of the pirates were firing their weapons, so we tended to stick with water and sodas. (Yeah, I know, "Pirate.", but safety first.)
Stynky had yesterday nicknamed the captain 'Wet Willie' because his name was William and... well... Stynky. (You know?) The Captain plied his craft around the area in front of the fort for a while where 
Photo: Mission
Janet - Bringer of Chips and Salsa. CooL.
the poor, land-bound battlers were stuck trudging about, dragging and preparing cannons, yelling orders at each other and sweating.
Meanwhile, on the Sarah, we were sipping cold drinks and Janet was bringing out chips, salsa and hummus, which one of the boys camped cross-legged in front of, eating all the chips and nothing else. The rest of us, when we could get around him, were slopping salsa all over the deck.
Finally it was time for the battle, so Captain Wet Willie tucked our craft in behind one of the other boats preparing to make a run on the fort grounds. Stynky had prepared his gun for firing and explained the workings of it to me. I asked him about the frisson or the hammer or the halyard or something and he said, "All you have to do is pull the trigger."
 Photo: Mission Stynky Loading His Gun for Me |
 Photo: Mission's CameraMission Fires Stynky's Gun with an Overly Dramatic Yell - "Trebuchet!" |
One of the crew members said we would fire a broadside, making me ask what the signal was going to be. Stynky said the guy didn't really mean broadside, he meant we were going to fire as we pleased which made me wonder just what kind of pirates this crew was. They had a tiny little brass cannon tied to the top of a cooler with bungee cords which was about 1/4 to 1/5 the size of our black powder hand weapons. I said something to Stynky about it being cute. "Wait till you hear it," he replied. The sound that Lil' Cannon made gave our guns inferiority complexes. The hand weapon gun barrels may have drooped a bit in embarrassment after it was fired. It was loaded with some kind of monstrous shotgun shell - at least twice as big in diameter as a normal shotgun shell from what I could tell- and then the guy operating it would hit the end of it with a mallet.
 Photo: Mission Preparing to Fire Lil' Cannon by Whacking It |
 Photo: MissionLil' Cannon Reports Proud and Loud |
 Photo: MissionYep, It Was THAT Loud! |
Stynky gave me and Frank several opportunities to fire. In fact, everyone had the time and opportunity to take several shots as you see below.
 Photo: Mission Pirates Arms at Ready |
 Photo: MissionDevlin Being Manly and Firing His Left Pistol... |
 Photo: Mission...Followed Immediately by His Right Pistol |
 Photo: Mission Frank Firing Stynky's Gun |
 Photo: MissionStynky Lines Up a Shot... |
 Photo: Mission...and Blasts the Bejeezus Out of Them! |
Now, up to this point, you probably assume nothing interesting was going on Landward. In fact, there was a whole battle happening there that we were really oblivious to, although we made a picturesque (not to mention noisy) backdrop for them. I didn't see the battle, of course, because it sort of looked like the pictures you see below to me.
 Photo: Mission The Battle From the Sarah |
 Photo: Mission The Beach from the Sarah - Which was Potentially More Interesting |
However, most people saw it from the land side and it looked a bit more like what you see below.
 Photo: Poppa Ratsey How the Battle Looked from the Fort Wall - With the Sarah, Owl and the Adirondack Lending Supporting Fire (See me on the Sarah?) |
Fortunately there were some people on the fort wall taking photos that did see much of it. Since their pictures are much more revealing than mine of the land battle, let's rely on them. Even though I wasn't there there, it's not very hard to figure out what happened from the photos others took. (And even if it is, I will just make something up and you won't know any different.)
 Photo: Poppa Ratsey British Firing at the Pirates As Well As the Sarah and Owl |
 Photo: Poppa Ratsey British Focus on Firing at Ships Adirondack and Sarah |
The pirates were not idle of course. They returned the Brits fire. If you look closely, you may notice a rather interesting thing: nearly all the pirates firing cannon are Archangels. Yes, that's right, the pirate hunters were taking the pirates' side. (Mostly because all the pirates were on the various boats, firing lazily and eating nachos and bean dip.)
 Photo: Poppa Ratsey Pirates Prepare Fire With Adirondack Supporting |
 Photo: Poppa Ratsey The Jolly Rover II & Pirates |
 Photo: Poppa Ratsey Archangels Firing One of Their Cannons at Brits |
Although they outnumbered the land-based pirates, the Brits were in obvious need of a back-up plan.
 Photo: Poppa RatseyBritish Realizing Their Primary Plan Isn't Working, so... |
 Photo: Poppa Ratsey ...They Call For Sky Support to Give Them a Tactical Advantage! |
The British Secret Weapon must have failed because it saw rotten fish guts on the shore and decided to go eat them, giving the pirate forces heart. They came running across the field and the Lobsterbacks all surrendered, thus securing a victory for the pirates. Or pirates hunters. Or whatever they were.
 Photo: Poppa Ratsey Viceroy Consulting |
 Photo: Poppa Ratsey The Pirates Storm the Field, Charging the British |
 Photo: Poppa Ratsey The British are Captured by the Pirates |
Photo: Mission
The Captain of the Sarah - 'Wet' Willie
Captain Wet Willie stayed in radio contact with the land-based operation (just like during the golden age of piracy.) Although we didn't see any of what you saw, we did see that we had made several passes and fired many rounds from our position. Finally Captain Willie told us the pirates had won.
The tourists on the boat cheered. (We didn't cheer because already knew the pirates were going to win based on what had been explained in the half dozen meetings that had taken place that morning. Well, OK, everyone else already knew it. I had been too busy taking pictures and watching the end of the Mercury trial at the fort to listen to what was being said at the meetings.)
It couldn't have happened a moment sooner either. For some reason, the Coast Guard had taken a more than passing interest in our little craft. It could have been all those guns we were firing. More likely they just happened to recognize 'Handsome' Devlin from his wanted poster.
 Photo: MissionDevlin Spots the Coast Guard - Or They Spot Him |
 Photo: Mission Devlin Starts to Worry That He May Have Been Recognized |
Photo: Mission
Hey, Kid! C'mere and I'll Show You the Business End of a Musket.
After the battle, everyone relaxed and started drinking Yuengling which their internet page tells me is the oldest beer in the United States. (And I always believe everything I read on the internet, so it must be so.) There was wine and some other beer options, but the pirates were firm in their preference and poor Janet wound up having to break out a second case.
Janet also broke out some more chips, which we were able to eat because the powder monkeys were running rampant around the ship, having been freshly charged by all the gun fire and news that the pirates had won. The Sarah's captain even allowed Captain Henry Belanger to steer the ship for awhile. (And I'll bet you thought the 'Captain' moniker was just a pirate name affectation.)
 Photo: Mission There's Water in That Tankard (Rigggght.) |
 Photo: MissionJanet Replenishes the Chips for Us |
 Photo: MissionAnd Once There Are Replenished Chips, Who is the Ship's Surgeon to Turn Them Down? |
 Photo: MissionThat's CAPTAIN Belanger to you! |
Photo: Caribbean Pearl
The Pirates Lead Their Captured Prisoners to the Fort
We made our way back into port, which was marred only by the two young jackanapes, who, keeping with form, ran around with their plastic swords because they couldn't possibly be made to sit still for two seconds.
We cheered Captain Wet Willie. Stynky, who had given him that nickname, wanted to give him a new one - a better one - but he seemed quite taken with that one, so Stynky didn't press the issue.
Back at the fort, the pirates took the British prisoners and led them to the flag pole where they no doubt insulted and derided them in some demeaning manner. Like making them attend a safety meeting about dining utensils or forcing them to recite the 49 page Florida Park Service Department of Environmental Protect Historic Weapons Firing Safety Manual. Then the pirates put up their standard and the fort was theirs!
 Photo: Caribbean Pearl Pirates Torturing British at Flagpole |
 Photo: Caribbean Pearl Pirates Torturing British Even More at the Flagpole |
 Photo: Poppa RatseyPirate Flag Over the Fort |