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Pirates in Paradise 2010 - Key West, Fl

Photo: Shay & Mission
"Pleased ta' meet'cha! (I had to hold on
while the wind lifted my Patrick Hand hat.) Chapter 1 - About Mission and Shay's slow immersion into the Key West pirate culture, thanks in large part to the arrival of madPete. Speaking particularly of dinner wandering into a downtown costume/sex shop, what happened at the Bad Ass Pirate and Buxom Wench Contest at the Schooner Wharf Bar and a brief stop at Fat Tuesday on Wednesday.

Shay and I had been pretty successful at becoming Key West recluses. It's not hard when you have a place a nice as one of the condos in the Truman Annex to recluse in. (Provided 'recluse in' is a valid phrase. Ok, I know it's not.) Although I must say that, while the condo is nice, it is not exactly restful. The people who chose the colors for it clearly thought that Key West was synonomous with 'loud pastels' as you can see below. On the one wall where they decided not to have loud pastels, they went with the tasteful and sensible full length mirrors. (At least it made examining the TV connections simpler when we couldn't get the volume to work properly. I must say, I have never yet seen such a complex entertainment center.) On the other hand, it is a lovely spot to sit and write as you see. (Not that I am trying to rub it in for all you people stuck in the cold and (based on the latest Facebook whining from my friends) snowy states. Ok, I am. :P

Photo: Mission Ah, a relaxing pastel clash

Photo: Mission Mirrored walls - strange photo

Photo: Mission My writing desk

I had planned to go down to the fort today and hang Bucky and Becky, my gibbeted skeleton couple, but somehow the day just slipped lazily away without our ever making it there. Shay took me to the Wrecker's Museum which I had never seen, we ambled through Old Town and the next thing you know a nap was in order. Since we couldn't miss that, we never made it into the fort to do actual work for some reason. madPete arrived in town around 5pm and we had had a long-standing, if informal, agreement to get together with him when he arrived. Shay had planned to make dinner, so when Pete called we invited him over for pasta. He is staying in a place I have never heard of that Shay found on Howe Street. (Not only a place I had never heard of; a street I had never heard of. This has to be my 20th trip down here. I love to bicycle up and down every stray street I can find while here, so that's saying something.) I told him I'd meet him at the guardshack in the compound if he could find it. Shay and I argued over whether to take the car to find him, which I finally won - so we walked out of the gate to find Pete standing right there, as if he had been waiting for his cue. He wore a linen shirt and a monmouth cap so we'd recognize him. (Who needs pink carnations for signaling when you have odd period clothing?) We had an excellent dinner, Shay sang Pete a few of her parody songs and then we all decided to head out to the Schooner Wharf Bar downtown to see the Bad Ass Pirate and Buxom Wench Contest.

Photo: Mission
A glass of wine, a jug of scotch and madPete.
Photo: Mission
Shay singing madPete some of her ditties

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Photo: Mission After the dishes were done (we may be pirates, but we're not slobs), we toddled through the lovely Truman Annex landscaping and headed for the Schooner Wharf. While we had been talking over dinner, Shay had mentioned the fact that we had been to the local costume shop and sex emporium in Key West by the name of the Fairvilla Megastore. We had been there because Shay wanted to buy some black, sort of crocheted gloves. She uses them when she plays piano at a club in Key Largo. She also teaches piano and does some other odd jobs on occasion. (If there is one thing I have noticed about citizens of the Keys, it is that they often have multiple jobs.) One interesting thing about the FV Megastore is that they have a large selection of pirate garb like you see here. It's mostly costume stuff, but some of it is pretty nice costume stuff. I am quite sure the local pirate group, the Bone Island Buccaneers, have spent much of their disposable income in this store. In fact, they even carry the BIB video there.

They also carry a wide variety of masks and hats there as well. Basically, this is your store for Fantasy Fest, the local Key West holiday that celebrates outrageousness. (And in a place as bizarre as Key Weird, that's saying something!) So we tried on various things which the employees allowed us to try out and photograph. (I just hope this is not true for everything they offer for sale in this store. Ahem.) I really, really liked the rabbit-eared top hat, but I couldn't see trying to juggle two ridiculously large, wind-catching hats all the way along the windy pier leading to the Schooner Wharf Bar.

Photo: Mission But of corset fits!

Photo: Mission Get this hat & see the world. (Each side.)

Photo: Mission Isn't this mask cool?

Photo: Mission Down the rabbit hole.

We finally made it to the bar where we ran into Chang Pao and another guy I didn't know. Chang was competing in the contest and asked us to cheer for him, which we promised to do. He was staying at the Cypress House Guest House again this year. He told me he had been staying there for 30 years! He then decided to go in, so we followed.

Photo: Shay The inside was loud and filled with people in fantasy pirate garb. madPete generously sprung for the first round and Shay (ever the shy one) muscled into the crowd and got us seats at a table with some tourists. I believe Beowulf, new to the Pirate Pub, was the first to spot us. (It's the hat. That's actually why I wore it. People you meet at events are pretty well unrecognizable otherwise.) He came over and chatted with us for awhile. He had asked me for advice on where to stay on the Pyracy Pub forum and I suggested the Pegasus International Hotel. I asked how he liked it and he gave an enthusiastic response. Then I asked why he asked me and he said, "Because you seem like a very particular kind of guy." Hm. Maybe he meant 'peculiar'? I decided to take it as a compliment.

The web said the Bad Ass Pirate/Buxom Wench Contest started at 8, Chang Pao said it started at 8:30 and the two guitar players on stage mumbled something about 9pm. It actually started around 9:20. I think. Call it Island Time. They announced everyone's name in the contest and they all got up on stage and said, "I'm Captain Whoosewhatsits and I am the most bad ass pirate because..." And yet...and yet...I don't remember a single name. My memory for labels is never notable and madPete and Shay didn't help with their ongoing commentary and re-naming of everyone. (If I could have recalled all that, it would have been more entertaining than your surgeon's commentary. Alas. I'm all you get.)

Almost everyone in low, growly tones, prompting Shay to comment that, "there's another guy who needs a throat lozenge." Most of them also stomped up and down the stage and made fierce noises and grimaces and so forth. You can see some of the contestants below. The one with Liberté, I recall nothing about except a bit of a Napoleon complex. Next we have a guy that Shay named "Captain Triceps." Then there was Animal, a regular from the Pyracy Pub. We hooted and cheered loudly for him. The last guy had a zombie thing going on. He actually licked or smooched or French-kissed that weird face sticking out of his bag. I'll bet you're sorry you missed that.

Photo: Mission Liberté wrangling/emceeing the contest

Photo: Mission Captain Triceps

Photo: Mission Our own Animal

Photo: Mission A voodoo sort of guy

I don't recall how many allegedly "bad-ass" pirate contestants there were, but I'd guess at least a dozen or more. Finally all the throat-lozenge-challenged contestants had finished and the judges were in the process of picking the finalists. Captan Finbar of the Conch Republic Navy came up and stage and told some hoary old jokes, none of which you will want me to repeat. Finally, the moment was upon us! Who would be the finalists? I was on the edge of my seat until I realized I could just move back a bit and be more comfortable. (Rim shot.)

Shay, madPete and I had no idea who most of the finalists were. Me because I can't remember my name unless it's printed on a tag in the back of my T-shirt and they because the had been giggling over various jokes they were telling each other sotto voce. However, one of them was Animal, whom I can easily remember. The second was a guy that mP and Shay were calling Captain Curlers. The third was guy who I don't even recall being up there the first time whom we'll just call Zed. Zed was last (obviously), Animal second and Captain Curlers got the gold star. This was interesting because his entire schtick consisted of his stalking up to the microphone to the hoots and catcalls of the audience at his wavy hair. He stood there for a single, pregnant second...and belched. It was very loud and well-formed. Then he stalked off. Had he said another word or tried to do one more thing, I don't think he'd have won. But he didn't, so he won. Animal was a gracious second-place champion, as you see below left.

Photo: Mission The three finalists take the stage. See if you can find Zed.

Photo: Mission Captain Curlers

Photo: Mission Animal being gracious

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Photo: Mission

Photo: Mission
There was a pause while the female judges were traded for male ones in preparation for the Buxom Wench portion of the evening's festivities. Some of the other pub dignitaries that were there included Hurricane left and Cascabel right. Because I had worn my hat, they both recognized me and said hi. I doubt they'd have figured out who I was if I'd have opted for the rabbit-eared top hat. (Well, maybe not.)

It was finally time for the Buxom Wench portion of the contest. Usually such contests are about which girl with the most traditional figure reveals the most skin from my (admittedly limited) experience of such things. However, this contest actually did seem to be about who had the most to...offer. As you can see below, the girl would first come up and stage and say something, usually provocative. (Note: if I were a judge, wearing skeleton ribs on your corset would have gotten extra points. Wearing them on your abdomen, however, is sort of odd. But it's better than not wearing them, right?) After this, they had to be weighed in on a scale that sat on the judges table (seen below center. Now, I don't want to nitpick here, but this is a ridiculous way to weigh such things. All a girl has to do is lean over and put more of her body-weight into the thing and she can cheat. But I guess it didn't matter.

Photo: Mission I like this corset

Photo: Mission The, er, 'weighing' in

Photo: Mission They claimed they were sisters...

There were also about a dozen women in the Buxom Wench Contest (I'm guessing) and the only two I recognized from the pub were Caribbean Pearl and Jamaica Rose, both of whom are below. Pearl made it to the finals and took second place. I don't believe I got a decent photo of the woman who won - my battery was really getting spotty near the end of the thing and my camera kept shutting itself off. Her schtick (you apparently need a schtick) was that she had a brassiere with bladders in it that allowed her to squirt rum into the judges direction. (Very subtle.) I did manage to get a shot of a mysterious photographer who had been standing in front of us for awhile. I don't know why I put that in here, but if you know her, you might let her know. I'm sure she'll be simply amazed that she appeared in a Pirate Surgeon's Journal.

Photo: Mission Liberté and a prostiteer

Photo: Mission Caribbean Pearl

Photo: Mission Jamaica Rose

Photo: Mission Mystery photographer

madPete admitted that he had never been down Duval Street, so we decided to go back that way. Normally I avoid Duval but it is sort of an adventure. It was kind of slow, being Wednesday and pretty cold (for Key West - for Michigan, this is ideal weather).

Photo: Mission

Photo: Mission
Shay and I had stopped in at Fat Tuesday on Tuesday (natch) where we were the first guinea pigs to be served Mojitos. So we all trooped in. We also wanted mP to see the hand dryers in the bathroom. (That's all I'm going to say. If you want to know more, you'll just have to come down here and find out for yourself. Even the bartenders thought they were amazing.) Speaking of the bartendors, we had had Jill for a barkeep the night before. She had been the one making the first mojito in the place for us. Tonight Jaime served - she wore geek glasses. I asked her why she did this and she said they were a good conversation starter. mP and I had daquiris (from the things behind the bar, which Shay says are actually washing machines.) Shay had a mojito. I asked the barkeeps about the dumbest question they had ever been asked. Jill said it was, "Can you swim under the island?" Jaime said the same thing, but we had to disqualify that answer. So she said, "Does the sun go down in front of or behind the island out at sea." Jill sardonically noted that if it went down in front of the island, we'd all be in trouble. With that, we called it a night.

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