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Fort Taylor Pyrate Invasion/ Pirates in Paradise Celebration
Nov/Dec 2011 - Key West, FL

Chapter 5th: Of the marvelous Saturday sunrise which the surgeon didn't see; A trying couple of hours spent tracking down his wallet; yet ANOTHER Corn & Crab Chowder meal at the Rum Barrel; Presenting to the Public; An extensive account of the Saturday battle and your surgeon's role in that; A bit more on Captain Hood and some whining about the best-laid plans.

Photo: Mae Saturday started with the beautiful sunrise that Mae captured in the photo you see above while she and Brig were down there washing their hair in the ocean. (Like you, that's the only way I saw the sunrise.)

I actually woke up feeling surprisingly good considering the fact that I had imbibed much too freely on Friday and had crashed my bike and ruined my back and wrist in the process. Still, something was nagging at me. So I started searching through the detritus left about the room after my early morning arrival.
Photo: Caribbean Pearl (obviously)
Mission's condition after a few months in Key West without his wallet. All my clothes were neatly hung, the variety of crap I keep in my pockets was where I usually put it at night... except my wallet. Gah! Since it was early, I quickly dressed and strode over to the crash site. No wallet. I wish I could say this was a unique experience for me, but your ship's surgeon can be quite absent-minded. (Remember this when you need an operation. Mission will be there, thinking to himself... "Now where did my favorite scalpel go?") Out of sight, out of Mission's mind.

The hour made itself decent and I called Stynky, who I knew had had to go over to the fort for an eight o'clock Captain's Meeting. (Have I mentioned how glad I am that I am not the crew rep for the Mercury?) I know you're all wondering why in the heck I would call the most notorious mug thief I know to seek out my wallet. I'm going to let you in on a secret here: Stynky is actually a pretty nice guy. A mug thief, yes. A troublemaker, sure. Clinically insane, possibly. But he will help you out when you need it. Don't spread that around, it will ruin his rep.)

Photo: Mae I explained that the last time I had seen my wallet was in the Jackamobile. I had taken it out to retrieve my gate pass when we drove into the fort. So I asked Stynky to ask Jack or one of the twins to see if they could find it.

Two hours passed with no news. I began to wonder if Stynky really was a nice guy after all. So I called him and asked him: "WTF, dude?" He swore he had told them and as I was talking, Brig called me. (That's Brig at left. OK, you probably didn't need that photo reference but I didn't take any pictures of my missing wallet for some reason.) So I hung up on Stynky and learned that my wallet was safe with her.

Much relieved at being able to leave the island (try flying without picture ID and a credit card would not be fun), I made arrangements to breakfast with Stynky and Michael Bagley. Well, maybe I wasn't that relieved... there are worse places than Key West to get stranded. Although the thought of becoming an itinerant 17th century street performing surgeon to make ends meet seems a bit daunting.

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Stynky and Michael arrived with my wallet and whisked me off to breakfast. I asked where we should go
Photo: Mission
Corn and Crab Chowder - it's what's for breakfast. and Stynky immediately put forth the suggestion of the Rum Barrel and having corn and crab chowder. (This makes three days in a row of him dining on this - for those of you who are counting.) When I first suggested the C&C Chowder at the Rum Barrel two nights ago, Stynky was amazed at how good it was. "Don't you read the Journals?!" I asked with exasperation. "I talk about how wonderful this stuff is in every single one of them!" He replied, "Yeah, but that's you. What if I didn't like it?" Stynky would doubt me. Now he's the Rum Barrel Corn and Crab poster-child. (It's inexpensive (for Key West), it's filling but not overfilling and it is freaking yummy.)

Over brunch (for you can't seriously call Corn and Crab Chowder breakfast, even in the most exaggerated account) we talked about re-enacting, the Fort Taylor event and the Put-in-Bay event. Put-in-Bay calls itself the Key West of the Midwest or something like that. It reminds me of this event. Stynky said he would like to make Put-in-Bay and would if he could. I hope he does because the only thing that could be more fun than Put-in-Bay Pirate Fest is Put-in-Bay Pirate Fest with Stynky.

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Photo: Mission From there we went back to the fort where I set out my surgical stuff and gave a few presentations for folks who stopped to look at all the shiny stuff on the table. I actually got some really good questions that allowed me to delve into my stores of otherwise useless 17th/18th century medical knowledge. Someone actually asked me a question that allowed me to explain the uses of a seton and a fontanel, for example. (Used, among other things, to cure migraine headaches.)

A number of trauma and ER nurses were at my table during this weekend. (This may say more about the recreational activities on Key West than anything else.) They were quite fascinated with the tools and the procedures and were even able to add some bits and pieces to my presentation.

Photo: Keith Iritsky After I finished one session with a group, who should appear but Sebastian Nodding? (That's him in the photo at right.) He is out of New Jersey, where he is part of the Bloody Historical crew. When he's not playing pirate, he's playing at another hobby I enjoy: creating disgusting horror props and appliances. (Of course, I really am just playing while he actually has a business doing this called Almost Living SPFX. He and the Skeleton Pirate of Ft. Myers make me jealous - they get paid to do stuff I pay to do.)

He hadn't come over to admire the surgical stuff, though! Well... maybe a little. He is another one of the folks who talked about having one of his crew members become a surgeon. (Curiously,
Photo: Mission I originally chose the role of surgeon for the Mercury back in 2007 because they didn't have one and I hadn't seen anyone doing a surgeon impression. I guess that's all changing.)

Sebastian was really come to see me, as neighbors often do, to ask if he could borrow a cup of bloody bandages. See, Cindi Iritsky, one of his crew members, had sustained a leg wound requiring a non-period correct bandage. He felt it was too visible, so he wanted to borrow a bloody bandage to cover it from the people watching the battle. (He needn't have worried; based on my time on the fort wall yesterday, you can hardly make out the people, let alone their non-PC bandages.) I was happy to oblige. She even returned it unlike some people have failed to do in the past. (Not to point any fingers, but: Iron Nigel, 2009. I still haven't gotten that head bandage back. The surgeon's memory is long and he is petty.)

Things got slow at the surgery, so I wandered over to the gathering tent to listen to the safety discussion when things got slow. OK, I really wandered over there to take photos, but safety discussions are just so interesting that you get sucked in. (Not really. However, this will all be relevant later in this chapter.)
Photo: Sandi Bilbo

After that, everyone filed over to one of the inside areas of the fort. There they were doling out powder. They had 50, 75, 90 and 120 powder. I asked Stynky what this was and it has to do with how many grains are in the powder cartridge. (So I still don't really know what it is, but I can regurgitate that bit of info like a trained monkey for you.) We took several photos in there because there is a large cracked white wall which made for a great backdrop. Personally, I think it would work far better if you were dressed as Butch and Sundance or a Mexican bandit, but I guess the pirate thing kind of works too.

Photo: Mission Want pirates to line up neatly? Offer them black powder!

Photo: Mission The Three Mercury Amigo-Banditos

I did get some interesting shots of people I liked while they were waiting for the battle to start, which I have decided to share below.

Photo: Mission The skeleton pirate's banner

Photo: Mission Captain Black and Handsome Devlin square off

Photo: Mission Michael and Wendy Wellman chatting

I ambled back to my surgical tent to present while keeping an eye on the folks going over to the battle. Although the fort wall view of the battle is panoramic, there's nothing quite like taking photos in the thick of things. Plus I wanted to get some shots of me treating the wounded with the Clyster Syringe. (It's tradition, after all.) When the pirates marched out, I quickly shed my public at the surgeon's table and joined the march. (Sorry public!) (Not really. Come back after the battle.)

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Photo: Maria De Los Angeles
Don't even kid around with Lily about missing the safety meetings.
She'll take you OUT! On the field, Lily gave me all sorts of grief for not attending a safety meeting. Not having been to the 8am meetings, where they informed you which other meetings you needed to attend, I didn't know I needed to go to a safety meeting. I blame Michael, our impressed crew leader.

Luckily, Stynky, who conducts the safety meetings was standing near me and heard all this. He came over and explained that I had indeed been at a safety meeting and he gave me a ribbon. I wear it proudly to this day. (Actually I just forgot to take it off.)

The battle pretty much went the way it was
Photo: DB Couper
planned, except that the the Wolf showed up unexpectedly and shot their cannons (which I thought was really cool.) But let's get to battle...

Two guys had been asked to die early in the battle for effect. We'll call them Cannon Fodder Thing 1 and Cannon Fodder Thing 2 since I have no clue who they were. Michael called them 'Green Socks' and 'Black Boots,' but that didn't work because there were about 3000* pirates at the event wearing black boots. I believe Stynky said they were from California. Wait, I'm supposed to be explaining here, not digressing...
*According to a National Bureau of Statistics Survey

Cannon Fodder Thing 1 and Cannon Fodder Thing 2
Photo: DB Couper were captured by the British, who then "made sport of them." Not enjoying this particularly, Cannon Fodder Thing 1 and Cannon Fodder Thing 2 escaped. With the British attempting to fire their cannon, our two escapees ran towards us. The British cannon misfired and Cannon Fodder Thing 1 and Cannon Fodder Thing 2 were able to rejoin us, to be killed at a later time. (They were originally just supposed to die, but their roles kept getting expanded. The British cannon had to misfire because, as I learned in the safety meeting, you must never stand in front of a firing gun or cannon.)

The pirates only had one cannon at this point, so they decided to sneak over and steal a cannon, which they did on cue.
Photo: Mission
How the pirates stealing the British cannon looks as a watercolor painting. (Or as taken at Canon SureShot maximum zoom.)

Now having two cannons, the pirates fired them at the British, the rifle line started firing and the British fired their cannons back. (Of course, being on the pirate side and observing the safety rules, all I have for you is photos of the pirates firing. So be content with that and imagine the British firing their cannons. It's probably better that way anyhow.)

Photo: Mission

Photo: Mission

Once all the powder was fired, the guns were cleared. (I learned a bit about clearing you gun at the safety meeting event even though I don't personally own a gun. Nor do I want to. I am a surgeon, after all.)
Photo: Mission
Michael gimping along
Michael Bagley was pretty fast with his gun so he ran out of powder before anyone else. Since there was now no reason for him to stand there and Scarlett was on the wall shrieking about how everyone kept missing, Michael decided to take a bullet. He went down in a heap, assuring us he was hit. Someone said I should go up and doctor him, but he was lying slightly forward of the gun line and (as I learned in the safety meeting), I should not go in front of the guns.

Eventually everyone ran out of powder (except Caribbean Pearl, who seemed to have an endless supply) allowing me to go forward to tend to Michael. He was on his back, so the Clyster Syringe was useless unless I kicked him over. (Kicking patients over was not considered good form, even in the 18th century.) So I waved my Patrick Hand Original Planter's hat over him (because it IS magic) and pronounced him healed. Several people shouted that it was a miracle. He decided to be wounded in the leg and started painfully walking using his gun as a crutch. Unfortunately, Michael's gun was short-barreled meaning he had to crouch over quite a bit. I'll bet it looked pretty good from the fort wall, although I can't even imagine what they'd say about that at the safety meeting.

Photo: Mission
Eh-ee-eh-ee-aaaah! WAH wahhh wah....
Crudbeard told the small arms line they could advance firing. Of course, nearly everyone had already fired their powder and cleared their guns, so only Caribbean Pearl could have done it if she weren't having some problem with her gun. The British also approached in a line, looking grim. (Actually I couldn't see there faces very well as I was fooling around behind the gun line. I sure didn't want to be in front of the guns, what with the safety meeting and all. But they probably looked grim.) The two sides faced each other in a line and it was just like a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western without the extreme facial close-ups.

Photo: Mission
The negotiation. (How does Crudbeard keep his whites clean?)
Once the two sides were good and facing each other, there was a discussion between Crudbeard (the pirate hero) and the Viceroy (the British ponce.)

I don't exactly know what was said, because I was still behind the line of folks with weapons fooling around. Those of you who know me will instantly recognize that this was all for the best.

I think what it all boiled down to the fact that each side wanted the other to surrender. Whatever they wanted, neither one would agree to it, so they decided to settle the whole mess in the only way that made sense: with organized sword battles between the best British and pirate sword fighters. The melee thus began with sword fights leading to opportunities for your surgeon to use his clyster syringe.

Photo: Mission Crudbeard presents the Brit terms to the pirates.

Photo: Mission The pirates demur with shouts of "Toga! Toga! Toga!"

Photo: Mission This leads to a rash of sword fights. (Fortunately, your surgeon can cure rashes.)

Photo: Mission's Camera

Photo: Mission Camera
I gave Michael my camera so the syringing could be caught for posterity and your amusement. I was searching the wounded for someone I knew. (You have to be careful, because you never know how someone you don't know will take the idea of being given a fake on-field enema.) However, there was this guy who was laying in just the right position and Michael cheered me on. So he got the first fake enema. Due to the fact that my foot kept slipping on the coral as I posed, it came out looking a little dramatic (left). I 'cured' two others, including Captain Black of the Valhalla's (I like him - he's a good sport - at right.) He was actually lying on his back so I came over and announced that I had the cure for what ailed him. He laughed and said he instantly felt better. Another Mission Miracle Cure!

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And that was the battle. It was much more fun being amongst the group, which is why it runs so long in this chapter. After the battle, everyone returned to the fort to decide what they were going to do with the captured British soldiers.

Photo: Caribbean Pearl The Viceroy is captured. He seemed quite willing as you see here.

Photo: Mission Crudbeard considers the disposition of the captives.

It was eventually decided not to kill the prisoners for some reason. (Very un-piratey if you ask me. Which you didn't.) Then they raised their flag over the fort. And there was much rejoicing. (Yay.)

Photo: Mission The girls throw Spike a beating. (This is at least the 3rd time. I think he must ENJOY it!)

Photo: 1st Mate Matt The pirates prepare to raise their flag over the captured fort

Photo: Mission The pirates rule Fort Taylor! (What WILL the Park Service say?)

Photo: Mae
The surgeon at his table...again. I was again supposed to do a mock surgery. No patients appeared, much to my relief, allowing me to dodge that bullet again. (Hah! It never gets old, does it? OK, forget I asked...). I did several presentations and got quite a bit of interest from folks. Its been a very good year for audiences - much more than last year.

I also got another chance to chat with my neighbor whom I mentioned previously: Captain R. Hood, maker of baggywrinkles. He was been in Key West since 1979 (BC as he likes to say - Before Condos - although there is evidence in the Epilogue that refutes this). He has a great patter and is quite a good story-teller. He has been a boat captain for quite a while, perhaps since he got on the island.
Photo: Sandi Bilbo
Captain Hood out for a stroll. He told me he had always owned boats, but now has only a kayak because large boats are so expensive to care for. He sold his last boat to the charter company he works for. They asked him what it needed to be a good charter boat and he gave them a large list of what he hoped he could have on the boat. "And they went for it!" A very neat guy.

Things slowed down a bit as the sun started to dip on the horizon and I thought about folding up the surgeon's shop. My plan was to escape over to the condo and update the on-line Journal. Stynky walked by and said he was going back to the condos. "When are you leaving?" I asked. "Right now." I asked if he could wait a bit while I put my gear away. He agreed. Then he disappeared. I wanted an hour in the condo before going to the parade (I had to be in the parade. Mae and Brig told me they would kidnap me and force me to walk with them in the parade if I didn't go along willingly.)

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